I was THAT child...

Imagine if you will, a small studio placed perfectly on the edge of a quaint village. A beautiful, rustic stone built studio with a impressionable wooden door, perfectly pristine windows, all set in a garden full of sweet smelling red Roses and white Tulips. 

Inside this studio held ballet lessons, where little girls attended weekly, their hair all scraped back, not one strand out of place. Their pink tutu's, tights and ballet shoes squeaky clean and crease free. Their faces filled with pure joy to be there, smiles from ear to ear. Inside they stand at the bar waiting on their first instruction. 

Now keep imagining all these little girls, then imagine 1 of these girls, hair barely tied back, her whole outfit creased and mud on her knees from racing around the peaceful gardens outside where she fell face first straight into a patch of freshly overturned soil. She isn't stood and ready to go, instead she is too happy in her own little world dancing and twirling in her own imagination where she is chasing butterflies around the park or better yet sat drawing pictures of birds and houses in her bedroom. 

I was that little girl, the one who could never find her place.

For years she adjusted herself to fit in with other people, just so she could feel accepted. Even though deep down she knew she didn't actually fit in, she didn't find the same things enjoyable, she loved her alone time, she loved helping people, drawing, writing, playing outside in the garden or the park, but rarely enjoyed crowded places. These places brought on anxiety, the noise the feelings from everyone around her, the vast amount of people in a small place. Then came the teenage years, boy where they filled with drama! In the end she rebelled against her family in every single way possible, she didn't fit in with any of them either. Labelled "the crazy one"

This took a HUGE knock on her self esteem, she saw nothing but failure written all over  her face when she looked in the mirror. Ugly. Different.... She spent all her childhood into adulthood wishing she could be re born looking like anyone else other then herself. Never once was she horrible to other girls though, no! Instead she told them just how beautiful they are, how kind, caring, smart, amazing, funny!! Yet she couldn't say 1 thing about herself that was kind. 

She was never the smartest at school and felt like she failed there, the pressure of wanting to do well and show her family she could do something right but when it came down to it she could never understand the school system or even the world for that matter. None of it made sense and yet everyone played along with with it because that's what everyone was told to do. 

As she got older, she wanted to become a teacher so she could help children and let them know it's ok and she was there to help. Then her own children started getting bullied, not only by children in the school but the staff too. She saw just how unfair the school system could be so she decided to home school her children instead. It seemed logical, no more bullying and they wouldn't be forced through continous useless tests, learning useless information that she wouldn't remember or take on in ber life after completing school. Throughout the time home schooling, her children taught her a lot of valuable lessons and she started to wake up properly to the world. She started to find out who she was and why she never fit in and she decided that this was ok. She felt at peace, at last! She decided to raise her children to be who they were because that is who they knew themselves to be, not because their friends were a certain way or because their family say they have to fit in a certain box. 

I have been through alot more then what i have wrote here but my purpose to this post, is that it has taken me many years to accept me for who i am. In my eyes i am beautiful, i am spiritual, i am strong yet soft at the same time. I am exactly who i am meant to be and not one person can say different to me anymore!  I worry and think way too much, but i have also learnt that letting me feel my feelings and figure out why they have cropped up because of something from my past is how i can be me, my authentic self AND not let it carry on dragging me down. Each and every one of us are on a unique journey through life. We are here to learn and to love one another. I have learnt i don't have to like someone's actions, but it doesn't mean i have to dislike that person for the actions either. 

It is a never ending journey, all the lessons we learn good or bad are needed to mature spiritually. Storms don't last forever and they do pass. What's that saying, don't wait for the storm to pass, learn to dance in the rain.  Be present in each and every moment of every single day, take in the smells, sights, sounds... we live for now, not tomorrow or yesterday ♡